Its been a while since Ive written. You would think from Auguest 08 to May 09 something new would happen. Well, you thought wrong. =)

Life's been pretty boring. My love life, still at a stand still. Work... same ol' thing. My education... stand still. Friends... what are those? lol.

Its crazy how one day, one event, can change everything. And even almost two years later, still effect the choices one makes. I guess thats one way someone can really tell something meant a lot to them... when their life isn't ever the same without that thing.

I was planning on going back to college. Adam's freaking out. "What if you find someone else?", "But thats so far away.", "What am I supposed to do." "Why can't I go with you.", "Well Bombo is up there." Jenise, I know your like wtf? But he's worried because of how we talked about his nice tan body that day lol. I told him, but thats Jenise's koolaid. He didnt think it was so funny.   Anyway, its not like I want to leave to leave him. I want to leave to have my life back. To not look around every corner to an old memory. To not think of college and how I miss being happy. He just doesnt understand. I dont want to have to work and go to school, thus I dont want to get an apartment.

Whatever happens happens. I guess Im not so afraid of change anymore. I think a little change will be good. Lord knows I can't go back to my life I had before college, its just not the same. Its not fun anymore. Theres more to life than smoking pot and sitting around. It makes me sad to see the friends I once treasured ruin waste their fucking lives when one of us no longer has hers.

It does surprise me. Jenise and I were the only one of the clan who actually had our head on our shoulders. No wonder shes one of the only one of my "Northeast Crew" that I still hold with high reguard. She's one of the only ones I can have an intellectual conversation with.

I miss you Nisey. I miss you Brandy.

Happiness

Being happy is something that I havent been too good at lately. Ever since Brandy died things changed for me. Things that were important to me slowly but surely became not important to me at all . Me wanting to be around people in general really changed. My perspective of live changed. The way I love someone changed. I guess in all actuality it changed me as a person.

But since then, Ive learned to adjust to things I cannot do shit about. I've learned to appreciate things I may have looked past. I really care about how I make others feel by what I say and do. I've looked to god a lot, and asked myself how he would want me to be. My religious beliefs are much different than others. I dont believe in set religion or the bible, Im nondenominational. Anyway, with time and healing I suppose Ive achieved happiness.

I feel like Im a recovering addict addicted to pain and suffering. Everytime something is going great I relapse. I get down, I see the negatives. I have abandonment issues. Everyone Ive loved (romantically and plutonically) besides family (which ive never been too close to) has left me. Best friends have moved away, been taken away, have died. Boyfriends have moved away, went to college, or just left me. I dont know. It makes it hard to trust one person when so many have walked all over me.

So, I have a boyfriend. A really good one. The type of guy I kept telling everyone I was looking for. He's great to me, he's funny, he's sweet, he doesnt cheat, he doesnt lie, he's cute as hell. But somethings missing. And this whole time I thought it was something missing from our relationship. The communication wasnt there, maybe its the age difference? I dont know. Maybe it was because I thought as soon as David came back I would flee and be with him. But now that Davids back and I havent so much as heard his voice, while Adam non the less is as perfect as always. It isnt adam thats missing something. Its me. Im missing the part of my heart that David walked all over, Im missing the part that Brandy took with her, parts are stretched out to maryville to stay with my Nisey cuz she needs to know that her Gina loves her everyday. I guess the point is that when one gets older, gets hurt, has to mourne, has life long friends, the love in their heart never gets redistributed,. We may produce more love, but the love that we had for people sticks around even if for awhile it hurts, it doesnt go away... not if it was truely love.

Waiting...

There isn't anything worse than waiting. Waiting in line, waiting in the waiting room, but waiting on an answer that will determine whether or not my relationship will continue sucks bad.

So, Adam got a job. Thats cool. I wont have to pay for everything we do, eat, drink, and smoke anymore. But the shitty thing is his schedule is complete opposite of mine. With how his schedule is right now, I will see him on Sunday after I get off work, and I will see him for an hour or two when he gets off work on the days I am off. Other than that I wont see him. Thats not going to work. What kind of relationship can survive with only seeing eachother once a week. Thats four times a month. Fifty-two times a year.  That just isnt going to work for me. I could torture myself trying, but it will ultimately fail.

So I ask myself, do I even want to torture myself. Cry all the time. Be pissed at him when it isn't his fault. Fight and yell and scream until its my day to see him. It just doesnt grab my attention as something I want to do. I want to be with him, because I wont be able to find someone who loves me the way he does and I do love him. I just know its going to ultimately fail if it stays this way. So he is going to talk to his boss. So in other words there is a 50/50 chance I will have my boyfriend by the end of monday, which is when he will see him. So I may have wasted 6 monthes of my life, lots of money and time on something that can be ended as easily as a no.

It always seems to happen this way. The shitty boyfriends stick around but I cant seem to hold on to the ones who treat me good. Guess its just my luck.

I got to see Jenise this week. Extra extra happiness for Gina on those days. Too bad she wont be here this week while im awaiting my verdict. She could have kept it off my mind. Now all I have to do is wait.

Im so lost

Im just lost. I miss Brandy, but I will never have her back, and this time when I say it I really think im starting to mean it, I think Im accepting it finally. It just sucks. Because the next day Jenise lost her dad and after Wade and I broke up, I lost her too in a way. I know eventually she may move back, and I still have her as a friend but in a way I dont. Because she isn;t here to kick it with or talk to. Without those two girls, I dont really have anyone else. I have Justin but we work seperate shifts and because of that we never get to hang out except when ones coming in and the other is leaving.

I love Adam to death. We've been together since January, I just dont think he's the one for me. And it sucks because he treats me better than most guys ive dated. (Chris Hann and Josh Edens are exceptions). But we just dont have that chemistry that made my relationship with Chris and Josh so unbelievably great. Funny how both of those two named and my relationship ended similar ways. With Chris he went to college, with Josh I went to college. I dont know, thats not the point. The point is I need someone to connect with. Without Brandy or Jenise I dont really have much options.

Then when me and Adam fight about the same things it just wears me down. We arent going anywhere if we are just circuling through the same arguements. I dont know. I want it to work with us, because I know as long as I am with him he wont cheat on me, or lie to me, or hurt me. And thats very reassuring, but the sad part is I feel like it isn't enough. Why is it always perfect in ways that matter with the horrible boyfriends, but horrible with the good ones. I just dont get it. Maybe I just dont let myself be happy, which is why I was with Jason so devotingly. I dont know.

The point of life to me is to find that one and only guy for me. There are many other options that have what me and Adam are missing. For instance Justin and I can talk about everything and anything and nothing at the same time. Adam and I can talk about nothing and thats everything and anything we have to say. I know things arent supposed to be this way. But I know he loves me though. He loves me how I loved David. And that is a very strong love, the first love kinda love. So I dont want to lose that when I know its hard to find. Im just lost. And it could be because I know what I need to do with my life and in my life but Im just playing it safe with my heart. I dont know. Maybe im so content with staying where I am because change is how you lose people. If I would have stayed home I could have possibly saved Brandy from herself.

GRRRRR